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3 Ways To Help Your Child With Anxiety & Stress

Posted on Nov 14, 2017 3:30:00 PM by Laurel Robinson

According the the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), 40 million adults in America suffer with a form of anxiety. Children are not immune to anxiety, although they may have a hard time labeling what they are feeling.  

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Is your child stressed out or anxious? Do they dread going to certain places? Do they procrastinate, or have nervous habits, or get stomachaches?  Do they resist activities by acting up? Do they focus only on the negative and what might go wrong? These are all signs of anxiety.

How can we as parents help our children through this?

First, be compassionate. If you have ever felt nervous about something you can identify with what your child is feeling.  Even though our kids’ anxiety sometimes comes up in the most inconvenient ways (nausea, avoidance behavior, last minute crises), we need to take a step back and remember that parents are the protectors of children. We also, in a sense, represent the Lord to our kids.  We are their first mentors and disciplers. So, even if we are worried about getting to work late, having a mess on our hands, or embarrassment, we also need to consider the experience that our child is having in this moment. We must pray for wisdom: does this child need “tough love” right now to push through -- or a timeout and a listening ear?  Most likely they need our reassurance, but we should not dismiss their fears.  It can be a tricky balance.

Second, empower the child.  Anxiety is not alway as simple as “mind over matter,” but sometimes mental tools and strategies can be helpful. Encourage your child to do their best and focus on the positives.  Remind them that you will be here for them no matter what. If they are worried about their performance, walk them through what “doing your best” will look like.  For example, there is only one winner in a race, but the rest of the runners are still successful and accomplished if they have trained, practice, and persevered. They have overcome their own obstacles and perhaps beaten their own records. This is worth celebrating!  While you are giving your child this pep talk, check your own motives. Have you been pressuring your child to perform, compete, dominate?  If so, pray and surrender your child’s future to the Lord once again.

If you have techniques that help you when you are anxious, share them with your child.  Simple things like taking a deep breath, repeating a calming phrase or verse, or distracting yourself from obsessive thoughts can be helpful.  They may sound simple, but they are not necessarily things that a child would come up with on their own.  Practice them together until they can do them independently.

Third, talk to their teachers. Explain the strategies you are using, so that your teacher can reinforce them and possibly report back to you any progress or problems. This can create a positive cycle of improvement, or at least provide you with more information that you can use as you go to the next step.

If these changes in approach do not seem to bring any results, you might consider therapy. Child therapists, using play therapy or therapy animals, can get your child to reveal the troubling thoughts they haven’t mentioned to you.  Sometimes it is surprising, such as a bad dream they didn’t even want to revisit, or an experience that they didn’t want to relive. Once they speak about it, the therapist and parents can address the issue.  

Therapists can also help you identify when your child may need some further help such as medicine.  Some forms of anxiety are more deep-seated and beyond the realm of behavioral therapy.  Naturopaths might help you consider helpful modifications to your child’s diet, or ways your child get better sleep.

When you see signs of stress and anxiety in your child, do not ignore it, hoping it will go away.  Talk to other adults in their life to see what may be causing it, and be your child’s closest advocate. Having the support of family goes a long way toward healing.

 

For more helpful information see:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/renee-jain/9-things-every-parent-with-an-anxious-child-should-try_b_5651006.html

https://adaa.org/tips-manage-anxiety-and-stress

Punishment vs. Discipline

Posted on May 23, 2017 12:46:33 PM by Laurel Robinson

What is discipline? What is punishment?  As we parent our children, these terms can overlap and get blended together, but more important is how we live them out.

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The Meaning of Discipline

In Ephesians 6, the Apostle Paul tells children to obey their parents, “for this is right.” He reminds children that it is a commandment, not a suggestion -- and one with a promise: that it may go well with you, and you will live long in the land. In many places in the Bible the Lord tells parents to discipline their children so that they may learn to live well.  

Parents should heed the verse that follows, as well: “fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Parents are told to keep our kids in line, and it is our job to train them up in the way they should go. However, we should never boss, bully, berate, or belittle our children. We must be careful not to let our selfish desires distract us from the goal:  we are to be teaching what will ultimately manifest as self-discipline in their lives.


The Mandate of Discipline

We have a moral obligation to train our kids in good character.  Along the way we have to make them do things they don’t want to do.  This is discipline. Even if they don’t like it at first we must remain strong in enforcing standards that the Lord commands -- or simply rules that society (or safety) mandates.  

It doesn’t always come easy; we have to train them to control their tempers, their tongues, and their appetites -- things that we all continue to battle even into adulthood. Parents have to be creative in finding what motivates each child to obey. For some children a stern word will suffice. For others, a stronger deterrent is necessary.  One important (and difficult) key is consistency of rules.

When my kids were little I had to strap them into their car seats every time we got into the car.  There was no negotiating, and I did not question whether I should do it.  Because of this consistency the kids knew to expect it, and there was little balking at it. However, there were other issues I was inconsistent with enforcing. Sometimes I made them clean up all their toys when they were done playing; other times I forgot. Kids will pick up on the inconsistency and they will challenge rules that are only enforced some of the time. It’s important for parents to think through which rules and standards they really need to enforce and make a plan for doing so. Of course there is room for adjustment and reconsideration, but if the rules keep changing inexplicably no one will be happy.


The Problem of Punishment

If we were to ask a child, he/she may say that “punishment is when parents don’t like what the kids did, and they inflict pain or take away privileges.” The problem with this is his/her perception.  Try to be sure that your kids know that discipline is more than just punishment, but that it’s for the sake of their character and their future.  We discipline because we love. As the Bible says, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11) Shortly before that, the author of Hebrews points out that the Lord disciplines those whom He loves.

Ultimately, parents will have to know their own motives and remain in constant prayer. Sometimes a parent will need to admit that she lost her temper or served up too much “consequence” for a particular infraction. Though this is a humbling experience, it is also a powerful lesson for our kids when we model apologizing and experience reconciliation in our relationship. If you feel that you have been too harsh, do not hesitate to humbly apologize. It will not detract from your role as the person who must train up your child; in fact, it will teach your child something very powerful about how to live.


The Role of Love languages

You might also take your child’s love language into consideration when deciding on discipline.  For example, if a child’s love language is physical touch, then she will be very sensitive to any corporal punishment or withholding of physical affection. A child who thrives on words of affirmation may wither under a verbal scolding.  What is mildly effective for one child could be devastating for another. Discerning parents who know their children well can modify discipline strategies accordingly. (For more information on love languages, and to take a free online quiz to assess your child’s primary love languages, see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/)

The Importance of Serving

Posted on Apr 26, 2017 11:30:00 AM by Laurel Robinson

Service hours. Volunteering. Giving back.  Whatever the label it is an important part of growing up into a wonderful human being.

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At Liberty Christian School, 8th graders recently invited and fed homeless men from the Helping Up Mission (HUM) in Baltimore. In February, the 8th graders also traveled to Costa Rica for a week long missions trip. As we think through what that was like for everyone involved, we can easily see the importance of service, whether it is providing food or clothing for those in need, picking up trash, helping to build a house or a playground, or going on a summer missions trip:

Helping others.  In doing some acts of service you may not feel as though you are filling a huge need but simply putting a “drop in the bucket.”  However, every little bit does help--and what would happen if we all declined to help because our individual contribution was not going to make a huge difference?

Inspiring others. The stories that we read in which a young person starts a campaign, reaches out, or gives back are often the most inspiring stories of all.  Sometimes grown-ups can get jaded, or too absorbed in their own responsibilities or troubles. Each young person doing good in the community may inspire several adults to get back into the spirit of giving, or at least regain their trust that kids are capable of kind and selfless acts.

Developing compassion. Many service projects start with a compassionate vision of a person or a group of people; however, some of us may go along because we have to or because others are doing it.  But once we actually show up, we may be stretched outside of our comfort zones; we will see the real needs that prompted the project and our hearts may be touched. We may be moved to greater ways of helping and find more rewards than we knew possible.

Developing humility.  Similarly, when you come face to face with a homeless person you will experience the fact that they are a person. You may realize that any of us could be homeless if only a couple of details in our circumstances were to change.  You will develop a greater awareness of your own neediness and possibly of ways in which your living differently could impact others.  Other forms of service can humble us simply due to the fact that we spent a day scrubbing dirty things instead of entertaining ourselves. However it is developed, humility is a wonderful quality.

Sharing the Gospel with others.  If you meet the physical or material need of a person it may touch their heart more than you know.  It may open up a “door” for you to talk about deeper needs or discuss the Gospel. In her book  Kisses from Katie, Katie Davis describes how she feeds, clothes, and cares for orphans in Uganda. They know the love of Jesus because they see the love that she has for them. In many cases this is a love that no one had shown them before.

Experiencing the power of God. Katie Davis writes, “People are people.  They all need food and water and medicine, but mostly they need love and truth and Jesus. I can do that. We can do that.  We can give people food, water, medicine, love, truth, and Jesus. ...We can’t do it in our own strength or out of our own resources, but as we follow God to wherever He is leading us, He makes the impossible happen.”

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In Matthew 25, Jesus paints us a picture:

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. ...Then the King will say to those on his right, “Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?”

The King will reply, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”

When it comes to “giving back,” that is really what it’s all about. We love because He first loved us.  We give generously because we have received generous blessings from God.  It’s never too late to start!

Christian Parenting Tips:  How Do You Teach Grace?

Posted on May 10, 2016 3:00:00 PM by Kim Schlauch

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Grace is one of the core principals of the Christian faith.  However, the abstract concept of grace can be challenging enough for adults to understand, so how can this topic be taught in a way young minds can comprehend?

Grace can be defined as the free and unmerited favor of God. Simply put, grace means not getting what we deserve.  Consider the following Bible passages:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23)

We are all sinners.  Sin separates us from God and if He gave us what we deserve, we would never be able to bridge the gap between God and us.  However, God loves us so much that He sent Jesus to pay the price for our sins.  Because Jesus took our place on the cross, through faith in Him we are no longer separated from God.  That’s grace.

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TEACHING GRACE

While teaching grace to children begins with explaining it to them in a way they can understand, they need to witness it through our actions and behavior to fully embrace the idea of grace.  Here are three ways to live out grace in your life:

In Parenting

Treat your children with respect.  We respect our children when we establish boundaries and appropriate consequences for misbehavior that focus on addressing the behavior, not shaming the child.  When addressing misbehavior, take the time to listen to them to understand why they made the choices they did and help them to understand the real world consequences of bad choices.

Maintain a healthy balance of boundaries and grace.  For example, when the circumstance warrants it, get input from your child on what might be considered appropriate punishment for the given infraction (e.g. it might be agreed that losing screen time privileges for a week might be fitting punishment).  However, demonstrate grace by waiving the punishment and offering grace by doing something like going out for ice cream instead.

In Relationships

Children pay attention to how we treat others and how we react to circumstances.  Ways to show grace through your actions include choosing to not react in kind when someone says something hurtful, maintaining a positive and gentle attitude when others exhibit irritating habits, and treating others with respect even when we may not receive it in return.

Through Forgiveness

Make the daily choice to forgive others.  Be grace to others.  Honestly forgive them when they wound you.  And, rather than living a life of bitterness and unforgiveness, offer grace and forgiveness even if the “I’m sorry” has not been spoken.  This may be difficult, especially if the “I’m sorry” never comes, but choosing to offer grace in these circumstances can free you to move forward and model grace and forgiveness for your children.

The best way to teach God’s grace is model it for them, dare to give them what they don’t deserve, and (at times) withold what they do deserve.  After all, that’s what God did for us when He allowed Jesus to die on the cross.  That’s grace.

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